Perfectionism Isn’t About Being Perfect. It’s About Feeling Never Enough.
I didn’t realise I was struggling with perfectionism until quite recently, so now it’s something I’m working on myself and noticing. Why didn’t I realise I was struggling with perfectionism? Honestly, I didn’t think I was good enough! I didn’t think anything I had done was good enough. I think my definition of being a perfectionist was in a muddle.
So, what is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the false idea we must constantly-
· Work hard, faster, longer
· Always be improving
· Change something about ourselves to be liked more
· We must be flawless
· Everything in life must be ‘just right’
You might find that even when you’ve achieved the thing you have been striving for, you are straight onto to the next thing, never stopping to take a moment and look around at how well you’ve done.
Perhaps you live in world of ‘when I’.
· When I have finished renovating my house then I can have people over,
· when I lose weight, I’ll be able to find a partner,
· when I have achieved more, I can finally relax.
The voice of perfectionism
The hardest part of perfectionism is that loud inner critic, constantly telling you you’re not good enough, you need to do better. Everyone has an inner critic but when it comes to come perfectionism, this critic is LOUD and unrelenting. You may seek validation from others, struggle to feel satisfied with your own praise, and tie your worth to achievement.
You might hold yourself to standards you might never expect from anyone else. Starting a new job and beating yourself up for not knowing how to do things, there’s no let up for you, you’re not allowed to be a beginner. The discomfort of not knowing is almost unbearable. You believe if you don’t do something perfectly, it means you are not good enough.
What happens next?
You feel overwhelmed constantly, nothing you do seems enjoyable for you because that is never your intention. You don’t intend to have fun; you intend to be the best. You start avoiding things, or not trying new things, so you don’t look stupid and then later you feel regret, sadness at missing out.
Your confidence takes a nosedive, without achieving you feel unlovable.
Where does perfectionism come from?
It is a coping strategy, learned for emotional safety.
Perhaps growing up the love, you received from caregivers felt conditional, this showed up as them being highly critical. If you didn’t get that A at school maybe a parent treated you as though you had done something awful, if you got a B (that you’d worked hard for) you were asked why didn’t you get A? The hard work you put in wasn't noticed. If you were struggling with something instead of being supported and helped, you were shouted at. You stopped asking for help feeling like you ‘should’ be able to do all these things.
Over time, you learned to link achievement with worth and being ‘good’ with being loved. You stopped asking for help, telling yourself you should be able to manage on your own.
With perfectionism we end up scared of our own critical thoughts and not the end results.
How to shift the perfectionism mindset?
This is where counselling can be really useful, you can take the time to revisit these beliefs and where have they come from. Finding out that a belief isn’t really yours, but someone else’s can be freeing.
While you can’t change the past, exploring it and seeing where things come from can help you to feel lighter. You can start to find happiness in the process of doing things instead of focussing on what others will think of you when you’ve achieved something.
In counselling you can find compassion for yourself, a counsellor will help you to find the language and to understand that you deserve kindness not just criticism.
What can you do in the moment when you start feel overwhelmed?
Here are a few ways to ground yourself:
Name what you’re feeling
Say it out loud. Giving it a name helps you step back from the emotion rather than being consumed by it.
Ask yourself: “What would I say to a good friend who felt this way?”
You deserve that same gentleness.
Let go of judgment
If you’re new in a job, remind yourself, “Of course I’m feeling stressed, I’m learning.” Allow yourself to be human.
Pause and reconnect
Step away for a few minutes. Make a drink and really notice its taste or warmth. Look out the window and name five things you can see. Try box breathing: in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4.
Practice self-acceptance
Say to yourself, “I accept myself just as I am.”
Or, if that feels too much, “I’m learning to accept myself as I am.”
These practices work best when used regularly, not just when you’re overwhelmed. Over time, they’ll help you access calm more easily when you need it most.
All this takes time, practice and patience. Something I know myself is in short supply when you are struggling with perfectionism! But some tiny steps forward will help to ease the stress and overwhelm you are experiencing.
